Homing Instincts

Will living together before tying the knot prepare you for life after the honeymoon? Rita Suliman has some advice

Q My partner and I recently got engaged, and we’re thinking of moving in together to test the waters. What are the psychological differences between living together before and after marriage?
A If you’re asking yourself this question, you may have doubts about living together as man and wife. Write down what your fears are and how moving in together before getting married may help (or not).

You have to remember that living together beforehand is not actually the same as living together as a married couple, although it may appear to be on a superficial level.

When you live together before marriage, you don’t necessarily have the same level of openness and commitment you would have afterwards. Taking vows can add a dimension to your relationship you didn’t have while dating. Many people argue that the piece of paper signifying your marriage doesn’t make any real difference, but I beg to differ. When you’re living together and assessing your compatibility, you could, theoretically, pack up and walk away from the relationship after a blow-up. But marriage doesn’t work the same way.

When deciding whether or not to cohabit, you also have to take into account the cultural norms and religious beliefs you and your family have. As much as we live in a modern era, and what you do is your business, you should keep your extended family in mind if you want to continue a functional relationship.

Ultimately, this is a personal choice, but in my opinion, you cannot have a practice run for marriage, just as you cannot have a practice run for becoming a parent. When you commit to the decision to marry, you should go into the process fully committed and ensure you work at the relationship continuously.

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Rita Suliman is a counselling psychologist based in Durban. For more information, email her on rita@cdoc.co.za.